Lessons... that I should be learning

This past week has been a long, long lesson in patience and humility.

I hate learning both.

In fact, my general disdain for learning either or both of these attributes might be a large reason for my current trial. It might be. If God is, in fact, interested in the minute changes in my life and in grooming my sinful soul more into the likeness of his Son... then it might be a lesson I should learn. And it just might be a lesson He's prepared specifically for me.

Maybe.

Let's not get too hasty here.

(insert wry smile)

But, yes, God is teaching me patience and humility... I'm very, very weak right now. I'm largely horizontal on the couch, with an occasional transition to my bed. My body has lost a massive amount of blood. And I'm pregnant. Neither of those is a recipe for overwhelming amounts of energy. This past week, my husband did not get a single meal prepared by me (aside from a frozen pizza), my housework consisted of dishes, picking up, and sporadic laundry. That's it. And my motherhood goals each day were, "Keep the baby fed and changed."I didn't even go grocery shopping. Aside from going to the doctor. I didn't leave my house all week. Shoot. I barely left the couch.

I don't like being still. I like having my house immaculate. (My poor mother worked for years towards this goal, she'd be thrilled to know that something sunk in. They used to call my room "The Black Abyss."). I absolutely love cooking. Love it. I have a chair that's half reupholstered (another hobby that I'm falling in love with!), a house that's unpacked, but not decorated, and a gorgeous "studio" space that's dying for hours of writing and projects. And I have all my goals. My wonderfully outlined stay-at-home wife and mother goals.

Underneath this physical exhaustion and thwarted goals, there's an undercurrent of raw disappointment. I like for other people to see my life well-organized. I like for other people to be impressed by my clean house, willingness to serve, and love for my family. I work because I love my family, yes, but I'm learning that's not the only reason that I work. My love is not untainted with selfishness. I love to work, work, work to show how amazing I am.

But right now, I can barely climb a flight of stairs. Ah... humility.

So God is teaching me about quiet work. About a striving that doesn't come from physical labor. About diligence that's not reflected in how clean my house is, or how yummy dinner smells. My family cannot benefit from tangible, visible love right now. I am physically unable to provide it. (Aside from daily cuddle sessions and book-fests on the couch!)

So, I am learning about prayer. I use the word "learning" loosely. I'm like a barely walking, wobbly little baby deer. My mind is an undisciplined bramble of tangential thoughts. But when else in my life will I have hours of silent, still time, in which to pray for those in my life? (My heart is begging that this be the only time!)

When Scott and I were in premarital counseling, we memorized Psalm 131...

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;

my eyes are not raised too high;

I do not occupy myself with things too great and marvelous for me.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,

like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the LORD

from this time forth and forevermore.

That's it. The whole psalm. I'm learning to still my heart through prayer. To serve others through prayer. To focus on my Savior through prayer. And, because I'm a very slow, slow learner, God had to remove all other distractions and tasks. Because I'm proud and conceited, God removed the props that were supporting my own glory, and is slowly working on me to seek His glory.

Patience and humility.

Not what I would sign up for.

But clearly what I need...