When You Don't Have To Understand...

God has been teaching me that I don't have to know.

I don't have to understand.

And I don't have to provide a unique, trite Christian answer to every struggle.

He doesn't ask me to grow mountains of faith, all he wants is a mustard seed of clinging to Him.

And sometimes, keeping a hold of that mustard seed, hurts more than I ever imagined.

I have been sick the majority of this pregnancy. Normal, nauseated, chronically exhausted sick. And I would give anything to go back there. Because something much worse has started to happen...

I have an autoimmune disease known as ulcerative colitis. My body basically reacts as though normal stomach tissue is some deadly pathogen, and my body attacks itself. It's a painful, embarrassing disease... When I was younger, I used to imagine I was chronically ill with some romantic, wasting disease (the side effect of too much Victorian literature), and now my imagination has become reality. And there's nothing "romantic" about it.

For the past 2 1/2 years, I have not needed any medical intervention. Because I was healthy when I got pregnant, I hoped that I would maintain the status quo throughout pregnancy. And for 20 weeks, I did. Then it came back. With a vengeance.

In the eight years since I was diagnosed, I have never had the disease attack with such intensity and deteriorate with such speed. I have lost massive amounts of blood in a very short time. All my tried and true remedies for controlling this disease have been completely useless.

And I'm in a new home, without my favorite doctor, without insurance (to cover this preexisting condition), without funds to supply medical needs, and without my mom. (I've decided you're never too old to want your mom.)

And another human life is depending on my body for her life.

This is terrifying.

And I don't understand why this is happening.

But in my fear, my distress, and my weakness, this truth keeps coming through: God is god.

It's not profound. My mind can't grasp profound right now. All I can think is He is in charge. I've been living in Job... And never has my awareness of God's bigness been so real. And you know what all that bigness means?

That maybe I can't understand. Maybe I don't see a reason. And maybe, just maybe, I never will.

But I don't have to. Because behind the scenes of billions of human lives, God is creating a story more vivid and imaginative than I could possibly imagine. And someday, I will see it. Someday, I will understand.

May I rest in my ignorance. And may I never grow angry at God for His inscrutable ways.

As Job said,

“I know that you can do all things,

    and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." (Job 42:2)

His purposes are big. And they are good.